Tuesday was a bad day…a very bad day.  The stress had been building for several days and this day it culminated like continents colliding confining pockets of magma in confined spaces until the pressure was ready to explode.  I tried to stay peaceful but missiles seemed to fly at me from every direction. By the time I left work, I felt like I had failed miserably at being a mentor to my two nieces who work for me.  I had been unable to reduce by brother's stress.  He is my partner and has recently been diagnosed with cancer.  I was a wreck.  All I could see was how badly I had dealt with the challenges of the day.  When I got home, I decided I was going to try to put the day behind me.  Desperately seeking comfort, I poured myself a glass of wine.  I have struggled with smoking for many years and this night a cigarette with my glass of wine seemed to be a necessity. God was not about to let that be my comfort. A half an hour after I drank the wine I began to cry.  Once the dam was cracked the flood gates opened and I sobbed uncontrollably.  I sat outside on the porch and lifted my hands to the sky saying "God, what on earth was the purpose of this day?  Please help me understand."   

Wednesday is my day off.  I awoke in the morning with feelings akin to Post Traumatic Shock Syndrome.  I felt weak, my stomach queasy from the sobbing of the night before but I also felt uncannily peaceful as if a great catharsis had taken place.  I felt cleansed.  This time of year, I work six days a week, Wednesday being my only day off.  I had a "to do" list that would have filled a roll of toilet paper but I decided that other than a few household chores, I would spend the day taking care of myself.  Throughout the day I whispered little prayers of thanks to God for all of the good things in my life.

The high light of my Wednesdays is the time I spend in the late afternoon at the barn with my Granddaughter and her horse.  Unfortunately there had been some recent developments with her and the horse that were a contributing factor to some of the stress I was experiencing.  It had been my plan to talk to her at the barn this afternoon to try to resolve the situation.  However, I knew that I was not in the best emotional state to handle this very critical conversation with her right now.  I also knew that she was feeling this stress and she was under tremendous pressure at school with tests and final projects in her AP classes, finals coming up and SAT and PSAT tests scheduled over the next few weekends.  I didn't want this situation to fester between us but I really needed to just enjoy her and the horse and the peace at the barn today.  So, I decided to spend the morning writing a long heart felt letter to her instead.   The words seemed to flow easily as I typed the email to her.  It felt so good to be able to express everything I needed to say exactly the way I wanted to say it.  I finished the letter about two hours before I left for the barn.  I didn't think she would get the email until after we spent our time together.   I went to the barn in an emotional fog.  The time at the barn was magical.  The horse seemed to sense that both of us needed something special that day.  Sometimes a horse and rider just seem to meld into one.  Sometimes just the sight of my Granddaughter and her horse together can bring me to tears.  This was one of those days.  When I arrived back home, I checked my email.  My granddaughter had gotten my email before she went to the barn although she never told me while we were there.  She simply wrote, "Thank you for taking the time to write to me.  I don't have the time to adequately respond right now but I wanted you to know that I will write back to you this weekend.  I love you Grandma."  When she did respond as promised, I was overwhelmed at her maturity and insight.  The issue has been resolved, not as I expected it to be, but as it should be because we both have a higher understanding and respect for each other.

Wednesday night was my Life Group meeting.  I hadn't planned on sharing my emotional breakdown because there seems to be so much going on with everyone in the group and we have new people who are searching for answers.  I thought my crisis was under control and I didn't need to take up time talking about my pity party.  This was not God's plan.  One of our life group members who is fairly new in his walk in faith was feeling disconnected from God.  He talked of struggles at work and feeling like he was not getting God's direction.  He was looking to those of us that he considered be more mature in our walk with God for advice and direction.  I felt compelled to tell him of my own struggles and failures and that he was not alone.  I shared with him that I have learned that God is always there.  Sometimes I think he allows us to struggle.  We know that we are growing in our faith when realize that we have not conducted ourselves in a way that we think is pleasing to him. The mere fact that we miss his direction shows that we are growing in Christ.  We recognize that we are out of God's grace and desperately seek the comfort of his presence.  Each time we step away and try to control people and circumstances on our own we grow so much stronger when we finally throw ourselves back at God's feet and ask for his mercy.  God's capacity for forgiveness and grace is boundless.  He told me later that sharing my struggle helped him. 

My sister is also in my life group.  I had called her the night before when I could not dig myself out of the hole I had dug for myself.  She allowed me to vent and listened until I had finally calmed down and I told her my pity party was over.  She shared in our group that she felt blessed because she got a chance to practice her listening skills which is something she feels she needs to improve.

Thursday, I returned to work and it was the complete opposite of Tuesday.  Everything seemed to fall into place.  Several weeks ago David gave a sermon in which he challenged all of us to do random acts of kindness.  He passed out little pieces of paper that said "God touched you today.  Pass it on."  I took several of those pieces of paper.  I had some at work, some in my car and some at home.  I watched for God to put someone in my path but the opportunity never came.  Thursday as I stood in the bank making a deposit to our business checking account, I overheard the drive thru teller talking to an elderly women over the intercom.  From where I stood, I could see the women in her van at the window.  The teller was explaining to her that even with this deposit she was still $11.00 overdrawn in her checking account.   The woman had such a look of despair on her face.  I took my checkbook out of my purse and wrote a check for $50.00 and asked the teller to deposit it in her account.  The look on her face was indescribable.  She said, "You don't have to do that."  I said, "Yes, I do.  God told me, too."  She asked me if I knew the lady.  I said, "No."  She said, "Do you want me to tell her who you are?  What should I say to her?"  I said, "Tell her God loves her and to pass it on."  I left the bank feeling incredibly blessed.  Two days later I received a thank you note in the mail from the bank teller.  She wrote that she was deeply touched by what I had done.

There were many other things that happened over the next few days that were clearly gifts from God.  I think that sometimes we look for God and for his direction in all the wrong places.  We want our personal hardships and trials addressed and we want answers.  God wants to use our lives and our struggles to help others. God answered my plea by putting others in my path that needed me in some way.  He allowed me to feel vindicated.  He allowed me to touch others with his grace.  He made all of the things that happened on Tuesday seem so trivial.